Why Do I Smoke and Drink?

Warning: Before you continue to read this blog, I just want to say that I don't promote drinking to anyone because they are bad habits and it can worse your health in many ways. This blog is only for adult over 18 years old. Oh, come on, who am I kidding? Most of my blogs contain adult contents.

Drinking

Before I turned 21 years old, I knew that I will become an alcoholic. I love alcohol drinks so much that I understood I didn't need to turn 21 to drink. I drank a lot before I turned 21 and it was the best time of my life. I usually describe my life as a trash can because I let people and life throw anything they want to me. Most of them are trashes. Since I have to collect trash, why don't I make it more worse? Then, I decided to welcome a new friend into my life. A bottle of chardonnay. When I tasted chardonnay for the first time, I didn't like the taste at first and I wanted to puke. But soon, as I began to drink more and I got drunk, I realized this is what I need in my life. It is a gift when you are drunk. To be honest, when you drink wine, getting drunk is a part of it and a greatest gift that whoever invented wine can give to one person by helping them to escape a harsh, despicable reality that they are facing even though the drunken moment only last for a while until you woke up after a terrible hangover. But still, it’s such a great pleasure to be drunk and not remember anything. They say getting drunk is the time we become who we are. We will take off our outside mask to be a different person in everyone’s eyes, who is our true-self. We can speak whatever we want even if it is our deepest secret we are trying to hide, we can do many crazy things that we never thought we have a gut to do those, we can express our feelings toward other people like if we hate or love someone but we don’t want them to know, just with the help of alcohol, we will spit out all things we have been burying inside. It is great to getting drunk. My drinking was no longer stopping at wine or chardonnay. It moved to Tequila, Whiskey, Bourbon, Vodka, Gin, and so many more. Unfortunately, because I drank a lot before I turned 21, my body began to get used to with alcohol so right now, no matter how much I drink or how strong the alcohol is, I will never get drunk. I remember one night, I drank like 3-4 bottles from wine to chardonnay, I didn't feel anything. I started to get worry. I was like what the hell is wrong with me? Once upon a time, there was a boy drinking alcohol and now, he didn't feel a thing. The whole point of drinking alcohol is to be drunk and that's it. I am no longer drunk and it's not ok at all. I come to alcohol when I feel sad, depressed, happy, or for no reason at all and no drunk.

But here is the thing. When I am no longer feeling drunk, I realized alcohol with me has moved to another level which I can never expect. What I am about to tell you is very hard to believe and yet, it is true. I love writing so much that people around usually tell me there are words all over my body. If I have an idea to write and focus on what I will write, I can finish in just a few hours. When I start to write, words just come out like a stream. I used to have so many ideas to write. And then, one day, as I was getting ready for my final essay, I couldn't come up with anything. I just kept staring at the blank screen for hours. Still, nothing happened. I shut down my laptop and went to the kitchen to look for something to eat. As I opened the fridge, at the side door, there was a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon from last night dinner (We had some guests of my mom and we had steaks). I immediately forgot about getting something to eat. I took out the bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon and poured out into a glass with ice. I brought the glass to my room and drank. As I was enjoying, I read some documents for my essay, and suddenly, there was an idea sparking in my mind. I got out the legal pad on my desk and wrote it down. Then, when I got the outline for the essay, I typed it into my laptop. The more I typed, the more words appeared in my paper. The moment I wrote half of the essay, the glass was empty. I realized during that time, as I was writing, I sipped wine. I asked myself. Was it because of wine I had ideas to write? I didn't believe in it at first. I tested one more time to see. In the next evening, I poured out another glass of Cabernet Sauvignon and drank as I was finishing up my essay. I repeated exactly what I did last night. Holy smoke, it was true. Alcohol had helped me to gain more ideas and amazingly helped me to stay focus on my essay. Soon, it doesn't stop at writing, but it also expands to other categories also. For example, when I do DIY stuff, just a glass of wine, I can finish it in just a night. Or when I do homework, I stay focus by drinking wine and some classical music. Or when I help a friend of my with a project, I drink too. It begins to become a true gift to me instead of getting drunk. And now, as I am writing this blog, a glass of red wine is next to me.

When I turned 21 years old, I began to drink more and more without any control. I drink a glass of wine every night or sometimes the whole bottle for one night. Since I know it can help me to stay focus, I come to wine as a solution for my homework and my writing work. Then, I decided to move cocktail. Gosh, I loved cocktail so much. There was a time I think I drank wine instead of water. Indeed, it was. I hid alcohol inside my coffee tumbler everyday I went to school. They may think there is coffee or water inside. But it was alcohol and it was not always that. I only brought put alcohol inside when I felt like I wanted to. Soon, I brought them to work, to my daily exercise at the park, and to local library as I came and studied there. My drinking also went over the rooftop when I came back to Vietnam for the summer vacation.

Saigon is a bustling city will all the fun and excitement. I always look at Saigon as a city that never goes to sleep. Yes, it is. It is the play city when the night comes. As the lights are on, the fun is about to begin. My cousin took me to a bar on the rooftop of a building. I love the view so much. It has a position that you can see every building in Saigon. The decoration was so chill and so relaxing with acoustic music and people are talking and smoking. The lights were dimmed which made the mood more perfect to drink. What I hoped was that the bar could have a live band playing jazz or jazz playing on the system. We were sitting at a table near the bar, where I could hear the sound of shaking clearest. The waiter, who was so handsome and had a jawline for day, served us. We began with a B52 shot. I was hesitated at first because B52 contain fire and I didn't want to burn myself so I used a straw to suck it up. Then, I moved to a series of cocktail, which I must say "Oh my God, they are so goood!" From this point, I spent every night I had in Saigon to look for bars and I drank the hell out of me. And just like that, during that one month I had in Vietnam, I drank from morning till late night. My family told me to drink less but boy, did I ever listen as I am in this addiction? I could tell they said bad things behind my back but I didn't care. I know they wanted the good things to me and tried to tell me drinking is not healthy. I appreciate that. Unfortunately, it is too late.

There are too much amount of alcohol inside me right now and I feel like I cannot live without a touch of alcohol. No matter it is red or white wine, cocktail or heavy drink. As long as it contains alcohol, I will take. It is a habit at first; then, as you abuse it more, it will turn into an addiction. Probably, I can call myself as an alcoholic without sobering. I understand that I can catch some types of diseases relate to livers or kidneys or stomach or my brain due to my uncontrollable drinking and it can kill me anytime. I begin to realize what alcohol did to me when I looked at the mirror one day. I looked so tired and lifeless. My skin was so pale, dark circles appeared under my eyes, my lips were dry, and believe it or not, my teeth got yellow. And yet, I cannot give up alcohol. I usually joke that the amount of blood inside my body is replaced by wine. Hell, I heard that red wine can help to improve your health in different way. Maybe, because of that thinking, I welcome wine into my body and soon, it has taken an important position in my life.