When It's Time, I Will Not Care About It Anymore.

Last time, I shared with you about a sister of mine who I lost forever. A little update. A few days before Christmas, she texted me and wanted to see me. I agreed because I wanted to know why she would like to see me. Then, we hanged out like used to be. In my mind before getting out of the house, I had a sense that she would not mention about why she was so cold to me in the last few months. And it was exactly what I thought. Since she didn't say why, I didn't confront her like I wanted to do. We spent the whole evening to ask each other about how we were doing, how thing were going on, and said goodbye. That goodbye is for forever. Yes, from that moment I realized I would never see or talk to her again. During the meeting, I could see clearly how she was trying to avoid me and there was an invisible wall between us. I could understand why she wanted to see that night. It was because she wanted to declare that from now on, she and I were nothing. She didn't need to speak out loud. But I could see it. Well, it was the last time I saw her.

Now, there is another story that I want to share with you. It is about friendship. I didn't want to tell this story in the first place because it happened so many times before and it is personal. But one day after the first day of Tet, my high school friends got together for the first time in three years for a reunion party. Surprisingly, everyone were all there. Including some people that I don't like. What happened in that reunion party made me want to share this story to all of you.

Background.

It was back in my sophomore year in high school and I just came to the U.S. so everything with me was too new. Then, in an English class, I met this girl for the first time. The most memorable memory about her is when she handed me her textbook because I didn't bring one. It immediately carved inside my heart a strong feeling of grateful. I mean never in my life, someone did that to me as a stranger. I didn't know her because it was my first day and yet she did it. I didn't remember exactly how we became friends but all I know was that I fell in love with her and she never loved me back. Let me tell you this story. It is a little bit strange because it was a dream that I never forgot. I dreamed about her leaning her head on my shoulder and said "Don't leave me!". After I woke up, it stayed my mind forever. I treated that dream as a "sign of universe". Even when she didn't love me back or did something bad to me, I would never leave her. I was always be there for her when she needed help. She sometimes pissed me off but I didn't stay angry long. I must say we were good friends.

You know as the water inside a dam stays for too long, it will break. My dam contained too much water and it began to appear some crack. One day, it broke and all the water came out. Now, there is no water. It represent for all of my anger and my annoy. Normally, I would have shouted out and yelled directly at her. But I chose not to. I remembered back in the day, I used to do something that upset her for days. I wrote her a note to say sorry and here's what she wrote back to me. "We always a friend. It's just you don't realize it. Be a good friend." Maybe because of that note, I didn't yell at her or confront her.

Break the dam.

Actually, the dam was almost broken in 2021 after she broke my heart. But I still ignored it anyway because after all, she would never knew that she was the wrong one. I was still friend with her and cared about her when she needed. Unfortunately, it had changed my mind about her. I will keep the story short. A friend of mine who is also her friend was in a down moment when she could not keep up with her study. Her grades continued to fall. That friend asked me to help. Of course I agreed. One night, that friend texted me to ask if tomorrow I could help her. So, here is the thing. My laptop is on with my Facebook page on it. My mom came in and talked to me about something. I didn't notice that friend texted me on Messenger, even though the ringer of my phone was ringing. I knew someone texted me. But because I was talking to my mom, I could not pick up immediately. After my mom left, I unlocked my phone to see who that was. It was that friend. The nearest message she texted me was to complaining me for not replying her message on time. I asked what was the matter with her. She said I was disrespectful and annoyed her. I looked at the time she texted and the time I replied her. It was only 20 minutes. I saw it was so unfair because sometimes I texted her, it took her until tomorrow to reply my message and yet I didn't complain a bit. Now, only 20 minutes not replying made her angry. I could see that friend was not a good friend after all. Since then, I keep the distance with her, still friend anyway. That friend talked to the girl about me and the girl told her that I didn't have any respect that friend and talked to her about what I said to the girl. A few days before I met the girl to express my concern about that friend and would like to have her to talk to that friend. But oh dear, she changed the whole story by saying I complained about that friend's grade at school and how she was going to fail. I was like WTF.

First strike.

The second one is officially a breaking dam. Once again with the same story like that but a different plot, she did again and I could not take anymore. In my conclusion, I can see that whatever I do, in her eyes, it will be a bad thing. Yes, I admit that I am not an easy person. I can get angry every time I see something uncomfortable or unsatisfied. I will yell, curse, and shout uncontrollable. Of course I can see that, I am trying my best to fix the bad side in me. Other than that, I always consider myself a good person and a good friend. I don't have so many friend. I understand that when I have someone as a friend, I must be appreciative and be careful when playing with them. It is not I am afraid of them going behind my back. I am afraid of doing something wrong that may offend them and they don't want to be my friend anymore. Things have changed, I believe. After so many time of being betrayed, I realize that I should be more careful of my own friends.

Why do I write this post?

In my high school reunion party, I was invited. But it was not because they wanted to invite me. They just didn't want me to curse each one them or say bad things about them if I was not there. Actually, deeply inside them, they never wanted me to be there or treat me as a friend. Inside them, I am an outsider. Indeed, I read their message in the group chat. A guy inside the group chat asked if they should invite me. They all agreed to invited and the reason is what I said. So why the hell was I there? Well, the mother of my close friend told me to come because she loved to see me there. We had the party at her house. So I came because of her. During the party, I tried to have fun. The girl tried to approach me but I ignored her. We all drank. The girl was super drunk and wanted to drink with me. She called me but I ignored and left to other place. My friend tapped on my shoulder and said that I should forgive her and make peace. I just smiled, shook my head, and said nothing. I didn't see her as a friend anymore. She was like a stranger to me because in the end, she never saw me as a friend of her. I heard that she was sad and disappointed at me through the way I treated her. I don't care anyway.

Conclusion

Throughout time, I realize that I don't hate someone anymore. It is just that they don't deserve to be hated because everyone deserve to be loved. I can forgive them because it is a way to make my mind more peaceful. But to tell me to make peace and be friend again, then I'm sorry, I can't do it. It's simply like this. I have moved on, I forgot what that person did to me and how they were to me, and with me, they are nothing. If I bump into them or in the same room that I am cold to them, please understand that I don't care about them anymore. There are people in this world would like to be your friend and keep the friendship with you forever. But there are people whose outside is nice to you, but inside, you are nothing to them. Just be careful!