The time I learned a life lesson the hard way

Warning: This blog post contains subjects related to suicide and self-harming. Please consider carefully before you read.

It all came back when I was in Vietnam. I was not a good student at school. I did so terribly. In every single subject (except English), I never got a good grade in my life. Unlike teachers in America who always care for their students and help them overcome every challenge, my teachers in Vietnam complained a lot about my studying to my mom, who was in charge of my study. They talked badly about me, and I heard everything, and they did not even think about what I felt or how to improve my study. All they cared about was how to keep their classes on top.

When teachers said bad things about me, I could forget them in a short amount of time because they were not important. But once my relatives knew about how I did in school, it turned out to be a malignant disaster. Some aunties criticized me, insulted me with all their harsh words, put me down, and brought their children up by comparing me to them. I remember one time they said, “You are useless and you are nothing of this society.” It was like a million knives stabbing directly into my heart. No one was there to protect me or stand with me. I did not say anything to my mom. I was thinking that maybe they were right, but I could not do anything. I was hurt really bad. I could never believe that my family could say such things like that. Teachers said bad about me and relatives insulted me with harsh words. I wanted to kill myself immediately because if continuing living, I could only be a burden and a humiliation for the family.

When I was about to cut myself, my mom stopped me. Then, I told her everything. In the next few days, she took me to her hospital and I saw many patients struggling in their beds to fight for life. They were facing cancer or any kind of serious disease. But they never gave up hope for a better day to come. I cried after I saw them in person. I realized that when you are still breathing, that means your life is still going on. Don’t throw away the life that your parents and God have given you. That was the moment I learned about the value of life. If I die, will they change their minds about me? Will they feel guilty? The answer is NO. I know I have to continue living my life no matter what happens in my life. I have to prove to them that they are wrong about me. Actually, I have to thank them for making me stronger than ever. Every person comes into my life adding to my life experience; whether they are bad or not, they help me to complete myself.

Yes, after that experience, I had to admit I have become stronger and I didn't give up in front of any circumstance. I believe that stand up where you fell. But soon, I lost him, the guy who used to be strong, independent, and fearless. He always knew how to stand up after falling down. He knew how to overcome every difficulty in life. He understood there would be no one else who can help him to stand up other than himself. And yet, that guy had died for no reason. Now, it’s a guy who doesn’t know what to do in life, desperate, hopeless, and disappointed with himself. I recalled my memories. There were times he was in pain after breaking up, or he got bad grades, or he got yelled at work, or he was humiliated in front of many people. Those times were the worst but he knew how to overcome those difficulties to stand right back up again.

A few weeks ago I had another suicidal thought. I saw a dark road in front of me. I was having doubts about the career that I chose. I looked at my friends around me and I admire them so much. They know what they're good at, they know what to do in life, they are pursuing their dreams, and they almost finish. In my family, all of my cousins both in Vietnam and America are graduated and currently working for hospitals, law firms, or big companies. I reflected back on myself. I am truly a big disappointment to the whole family. I found out I am not good at anything. I don't have any specific plan for my life. I chose my major randomly. It's funny how I always tell people what they are good at and advise them to follow that path. Most of them are on their way to achieving it. They thanked me for telling them that. But deep inside me, I just don't know what's best for me or what path I should follow. I hate myself. I am a grown-up man and yet, this is my life. A desperate miserable life.

That night, I drove alone on the street. I drove indefinitely. I cried. That was the first time I cried for myself. What happened to me in Vietnam didn't make me cry because I felt like I was still a child and had no understanding of the adult world like how pressure life is, and how you gonna deal with that. I had no clue at all. Now, once I had understood it, I cried. I feel like my life is not worth living anymore. At this age, I don't even know what is best for me, how can I continue living now? A really dark road in front of me.

I came home and I decided to end my life immediately. I opened the cap of a sleeping pill bottle, poured into my hand a bunch of them, and put them into my mouth. But before I drank the water to swallow all the pills, there was something that stopped me at that time. Something told me not to do it. Then, I immediately spitted out all the pills inside my mouth and threw that bottle away. And I embraced myself in the bathroom and cried again. But now, the tear was not for me. It was for my family, who never had a doubt about my ability to be successful in life and make them proud of me. I thought of my mom, a woman who inspires me every day. She used to teach me the hardest lesson in my life by showing me how precious my life is. She had sacrificed so many things for me. Her life is even more challenging than mine and yet, she never gives up even once. She knows that as long as we are still breathing, we can still make it through. My mom has put a lot of expectations on me and I am the only hope in her life. I cannot fail her. I thought of my grandparents, who are in Vietnam. They had done so many things for me and all they expect is to see me happy and successful in America. They don't mind anything. They used to take care of me when I was in Vietnam. I remember how sad they were when I said goodbye to them to go to the U.S, but they knew it is the only way to make my future better.

I failed them all.

I looked back at the guy who used to be strong and independent to see what he would do if he is in that situation. First, he would wash his face. Second, he would look into the mirror and say. "You're a pathetic person, Huy. You haven't tasted the bitterness of life enough. There will be more challenges and worse things in front of you that you cannot expect. Only a few s***y things happened and broke you down, you turned to be a loser like this? Wake up, you are stronger than that, you are better than that, you are more worthy than you've expected. Don't end your life like this. Just continue wherever it goes. And you will find out how much this life means to you and you won't regret it." Finally, he will promise himself that it will not happen again. Where I fell should the place I stand up and move on.

And just like that, I have found my strength again to continue this life. Like I said, wherever my life goes, as long as I am still breathing, there are still hopes ahead and I will catch it.

I just want to share my personal story on how I coped with what brought me down in life and pushed me to the intention of ending my life and how I stand up and move on. You see, I always believe that each one of us comes to this world with a purpose. Now, you may have not found out yet but soon, when the time comes, you will find it and you will pursue it by any chance. Don't give up! I believe in you.