Something We Need to Talk About

I want to begin with a flashback. You know, like when you tried to bury something that happened in the past for good, for some reason, it returns back to you because you have not done with it yet. It happened to me recently. I kept having a dream about my past, which I didn’t even want to remember because nothing was good about it. But the more I try to avoid it, the more it comes and haunts me.

In Vietnam, I was so bad at school, and everyone criticized me for my bad grades. Someone said I would not have a better future when I studied shit. Ouch! That broke my heart! Like a lot. In class, I did not talk a lot or being famous. They were like superstars of class or of school. Everyone knew them because of their studying achievements. They won many first prizes in competitions or had a good Facebook profile with thousands of friends. I looked at them as idols, as inspirations, because I knew one thing for sure I would never be like them. You know my family cares deeply about education and degrees because you will be nobody if you don’t have them. It started to create pressure inside me and turn into trauma, and finally, it ran inside my blood, which I could never take out. I live a life where I must please everyone around me, make them feel satisfied, and never fail them. In my mind, it started to form an area for bad feelings in which if I failed everyone, I would be suffered from that failure. I always fear failing, getting bad grades, or being behind someone else. That’s why I always overreact to everything, even daily things. I freak out when things are not what I expect or plan. Have you guys experienced that before? When I came to the U.S., I thought I would live my true self and life. But it was too late for that. It had already run into my blood.

There are so many harsh words that people are throwing at me. I accepted that because it would turn into strength. But there are crucial words people said to me that I could not forgive and forget. I once heard a person say, “You cannot do any shit in this life.”, “You are a useless person.”, “You are nothing of this society.”, “If you were handsome, all the men in the world would have been dead.” Woah, I have nothing to say about that. I used to cry a lot after they said to me. I locked myself in my room, braced myself, and let it all out. I think I am a human, after all. I have feelings, so depending on every force around me, my feelings can get better or worsen. One lovely word can put boost my feeling a little bit. Not too much. But one crucial word can put me down quickly, like when you are playing rollercoaster. It will go down really fast that make you scream. Until now, I still cannot recover from those words. What can I say about that? Probably those were the meanest words I had ever received in my life.

Have you ever been compared with other people who are better than you? Like a lot, right? Why can you not be like that person? Or why do I have a child like you? Or why can they do it and you cannot? So much more. You know what, it is the worst thing that one person can hear. Everyone has their own life and lives the life they want. Why must people impose other people’s good qualities and lifestyles on one person’s life and tell them to live like that? Seriously, every parent always tells their children to live the life their children want, live their true selves. But deep inside them, they want their children to live the life their parents choose them to. That’s so funny. I always believe that if a child is being controlled by parents so much and has no chance to live free, they can never do anything in the future. For sure.

Betrayal and bullying are two terms that I want to address. I am not an expert at those terms, but I want to express my thoughts. Fuck those! Betrayal is a thing I experience a lot. It is not only a word but more about one person’s lifestyle. Why? Because one person can live like that. If they don’t like someone, they betray. They betray if they envy one person on what they do and are friends. If they no longer love their partner, they betray. If one person is no longer helpful, they betray and kick them out. That sounds very painful. But it is their lifestyle. They keep repeating that every time. And you know what, I have been betrayed by so many people before. They stabbed behind my back really hard, and I had to take the knife out and heal the wound. With me, when you are nice to me, I will be nicer one thousand times than you think. When you hurt me, believe me, I will pay you back.

Life always has karma, and it will come and get you. What about bullying? In 2018, I read a novel called “13 Reasons Why,” It blew my mind because of what happened to Hannah Baker. It was so vulnerable, so horrific, so terrible. How can people be so ignorant of her trauma like that? She was being bullied, and she had no one to talk to. When she killed herself, she left the tapes, all evidence showing who got involved in her death.

There are many suicide cases at teenage age due to bullying. It never stops increasing. One post on social media about one individual can kill one person. Or bullying by beating one person up can lead to unexpected suicide the next day. Do you know what the worst thing is? Well, when bullied, a person opens up and shares their stories with people they trust, people they love; they underestimate the story and try to ignore it by just saying they’ll be okay or that there is nothing to worry about or grow up, you have so many more things to deal with in the future, those bullying things meant nothing to you. That is a death sentence for the bullied person—nothing else to say.

I mean, they trusted you, took all their courage to speak out, and want you to help them. Then when you realize it, it is too late, and regret is hopeless. Not everyone can choose to speak up. Many did not say anything. They chose to keep silent and died alone. Or if they have a strong will, they will choose to deal with it alone and become stronger. That’s what we always want, right? Another case I want to mention is that in the dark moment of their lives, they found a light at the end of the tunnel where they could hold on to continue this life. It is when they realize they still have a family as their mental support, purpose, and everything. They don’t want to leave them behind and die alone like that. They know one thing for sure: they must continue living this life because their parents give them lives, and they must live to make their parents happy. In my Vietnamese culture, if you commit suicide, which means you took away the life your parents gave you, you will be punished in hell.

If you are experiencing nasty things that make you want to kill yourself and have no one to talk to, you can seek help at National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. Talk to someone, don’t deal with misery alone if you are not strong; even if you are strong, seek help. Remember that you are not alone. People still hear you and want to help you overcome those pains.

Life is shorter than you think. Why must we bother with all the meaningless things that pull us down? We are better than that; we are stronger than we think. I always think that we come to this world with a purpose. We must fulfill that purpose before we die. Killing ourselves cannot help to deal with things in life. There are always solutions for every problem. I admit that I hate suicide because it is an act of cowardice. Many people are battling cancers or diseases and are desperate to continue living. They have done many painful surgeries, expensive chemotherapy, and waiting for blood donation. They are fighting to live, and they don’t choose to die.

Meanwhile, we don’t have any problems with our health or body. We must choose to live a life we want, not the life others want. You control your own life, and nobody can interfere and change it. Right now, tell you what, I am still fighting strong in order to fulfill my life, to face challenges, to deal with all the traumas, and to be successful like others. I am weak, ok. But I have no other choice than throwing that weakness on one side to be strong. I have to be, and you can be strong too. Don’t pull yourself back with those bad traumas and bad experiences. You can do it.

Life is beautiful, and I won’t wait for anyone who doesn’t appreciate it.

That’s all for today’s post. Before I end, I dedicate this to a girl who inspired me to do today’s topic. Thank you for sharing your emotional story, and thank me for giving me the opportunity to know you more and letting me do this.