Coming out of the closet

Where should I begin now?

I felt like I am not like other boys when I was 13 years old. It was the time I had a feeling for a guy who is one year older than me. At first, I thought I was confused, but then I realized it was not just a feeling. It was a major crush. But when I found out he had a girlfriend, I stopped loving him or having a crush on him. But then, I tried to convince myself that it was just a feeling. You’re not gay or trying to be gay. I moved on to be in a relationship with a girl, and another girl. But it didn’t work out. I failed.

It wasn’t until I met another guy who left a strong feeling for me. I sensed that it had come back. It went in a full circle. That was the moment I knew I am gay. I loved him so much. Until now, I think he was the only one that I’ve ever loved. I mean he wasn’t the only love in my life. What I mean is that since my relationship with him, I haven’t loved anyone else giving me better love than he did. I am still hoping to find someone who truly loves me with all of their heart. It is not replacing him in me. It must be different from him or anyone else before.

But it is not the main topic of what I am talking about today. I want to come out with everyone who doesn’t know me and people who know me but haven’t known anything about my true person. For four years since the days I was in the relationship with him, I have had to hide away, hide that relationship because I was not ready and I was afraid of the prejudice of people around me. I asked myself when I can come out, what time would be the best. Actually, I recently found out the answer. It’s simple like this. NEVER. There would be no time or no perfect moment to come out while there are so many prejudices, boundaries, and other things that obligate me from living my true self.

Never is good. I mean if there is no good time to come out, then just come out with whatever comes to you next, it doesn’t matter anymore. I take risks and end with that risk.

I am turning 22 years old. A 22-year-old guy who hasn’t figured out what he gonna do with his life. I am still trying to work on that. It’s just my time has not come yet. In all of my life, I have had to become a good boy in the eyes of everyone else because I am the first-born child in the family and they definitely expect a lot from me. And yet, this is me. Life created a perfect shield between me and my confidence. I was too afraid of failing other people that I cannot live as I wanted. I was being protected by other people and it made me feel uncomfortable and pulled me down a lot. Until right now, even though I am almost 22 years old but people in my family still treat me like a child. And I hate that. When I came back to Vietnam in the summer, I thought my family treated me differently like an adult. But no, they still worried for me every little detail and even did not let me travel alone or go out alone. They were afraid of me being kidnapped. Why? Thanks to my dad, who you might have read from one of my blogs before. Another thing is that my family is quite conservative in a bad way. They will never accept the fact there is a bad apple in the family that makes their reputation being affected. By keeping that in my mind, I always live by the rules that my family had made. Like having a college degree or more, being obeyed, no changing in your appearance (no dying hair, no tattoo), or no overplaying, and no such thing as “homosexual”. Men must get married to women and vice versa.

Because of living like that, I didn’t have the courage to come out to everyone in my family in Vietnam. They will never accept me again and the chance of being erased from my family tree is higher than a tidal wave. But now, the wind has changed. I am no longer that guy who is afraid of prejudice from people around anymore. I dared to step out of the shell to dye my hair differently without asking permission from anyone. I dared to speak up my mind without fear of being judged by others. And I dare to come out that I am gay to everyone at this moment.

There is nothing to be ashamed of in who I am. I’m just simply living my life. Being gay is not something you got like a disease. You were born with it. You develop it into who you want to be as long as you don’t feel regret. I used to see many people coming out on YouTube and I have nothing but respect for them. They stepped out of the closet to live real. I believe that they must have considered doing it many times before because this is serious and it might affect their lives. They must have fought inside them to come to that decision. As I said, there is no good time to come out, so if you want to live the life that you want without hiding, just come out. Or I used to read some stories from the LGBTQ community on how they receive negative vibes or prejudices or hate from other people when they said they’re gay. There are so many slurs that target the LGBTQ community. But among them, “faggot” is what I hear a lot from those stories. I didn’t understand what it means at first. Soon, after that, I realized there are several people calling me that before but it was in Vietnamese. The word is really offensive and hurtful. It really made me sad and emotional. I cried as I was reading their stories. I feel like society, in many ways, has not been ready for the LGBTQ community. They believe it is wrong to have men with men or women with women. I think they should shut up. If they don’t accept, that’s fine. We simply don’t care about what people think about us.

I just want to say that I am proud of who I am. It is not because I am gay that I am such an abomination. I love myself and I don’t have anything to hide away. I have been living in a shell that no one knows or even cares about me. I used to feel outcasted because I am not “normal” like other. It was old me. The new me doesn’t care about what others think about him anymore. He understands that the more he hides, the more he suffers from the pain of not being himself.

Coming out to everyone else is the greatest gift that I have ever had. And it is even more meaningful when my mom and some family members accepted me and welcomed me. But for some people, I couldn’t come out. The barrier is too big for me to do it. So I guess it will take time for me to come out with them. But right now, I am so happy when I can be myself and no more hiding.

Throughout this blog, I just want to say that no matter who you are, you deserve to have love and respect from the people around you. Don’t be afraid of not being accepted! You are who you are and you have the all the rights to live the life you want. I love you!