Am I Going to be a Good Journalist or a Journalist at all?

I am a senior at Cal State Fullerton, majoring in journalism. I will graduate this May. But I need clarification on that. I have my reason and doubt that I may fail. When I look at other friends in the same class as me, I always admire them because they will be good journalists in the future. Some of them will be great and may win a Pulitzer prize with their breakout stories. I read their stories, and oh my God, they were all incredible and captive. I look at all of my professors who taught me so many things.

Being in their classes while I was at Cal State Fullerton was a tremendous honor because they are legends. One used to be a reporter for the New York Times. One used to be a sports reporter for Fox. One used to be a freelance lifestyle writer for several magazines. One used to be a journalist turned to be a novelist. Besides learning, I loved to listen to their stories during the time they were on the field. It was inspirational. Then, I looked at myself. Am I ever going to be like them? My first significant choice was not journalism. It was business. But I realized I wasn’t interested in doing business. There is one thing that I found out about business majors. It is that students have already had their businesses. They study to get more knowledge and experience in running and improving their businesses. I was drowning in the water. I finished my two years at Santa Ana College with an Associate Degree and applied to Cal State Fullerton and Cal State Long Beach. When I applied, I immediately changed my major to journalism. I used to share with you why I changed my major in one post about journalism before. But my point is that I fear that I will never be a good journalist, and my future is getting darker than ever. I suppose to graduate this May, but the chance is 10%. I have paid for the graduation fee and bought a cap and gown already, and gotten the tickets for my family to come. I leave them there; it will be great if I can graduate. And if I can’t, I won’t return to school anymore. I am tired. After five years of studying college, I asked myself a question. What have I ever achieved? The answer is nothing. Yes, maybe I am doing an internship for Voice of America in the Vietnamese division, and they love all the stories I wrote for them, but what is the point? It is just an internship without pay. After I finished it, I left with nothing. I tried to do good in school. I tried not to get a bad grade or fail a class. I am exhausted right now. I don’t want to continue anymore. The more I continue, the more I won’t see the light of my future. Several times I wanted to quit school and work 8 hours per day somewhere. At least I can make money. Now, I think I have my reason to do so. I truly hate myself for being so useless. When I was in school, I put myself out there to look for an internship or somewhere where I could work, but nothing happened to me except VOA news.

Meanwhile, my friends are getting good jobs in this field; many places offer them a job. I asked them how, and they said they just applied. Why did I ever go to college in the first place? Why didn’t I get something else to do? If I cannot graduate this May, I will quit school for sure and leave to be somewhere else. I don’t want to live where I am living right now. I hate it here so much. I have to go somewhere to start my life again. There is no more reason for me to continue studying. Five years with me were enough. It’s time for me to end it and probably to this blog. If I can graduate, then I will think about my future. I will find a way to get into this competitive industry. But, as I said, the stake is too low for me. I am in a deep desperation right now. I am writing these words with a glass of wine next to me. It can heal and push me to come up with things to note. One of the things that I write blogs on weekdays is because I don’t want my writing skill to be gone.

But anyway, that’s all I want to share with you. Have you ever been the same as me? If you have, how did you overcome it?