A Letter to My Dad

The following blog is everything I wrote in a letter to my dad the day before I came back to U.S after a trip to Vietnam visiting my family.

Dear Dad,

If you read this letter, it means I have left Vietnam already. The reason I am writing this letter is because I feel like you haven't changed a bit since the last time I saw you. I used to think that I can forgive you, I can open my heart to accept you, or I can consider you my dad again. But unfortunately, I couldn't. Until the last few days I was in Vietnam, I have seen too much and never enough the real person of you. Dad, before I came back to Vietnam, mom told me that whatever happened to me that made me irritated, I had to stay calm. I didn't want to make a scene in front of the whole family because I still wanted to keep the nicest image of me inside everyone. That's why I am writing this letter to express how I feel about you and what I see in you that makes me not yet forgiven you.

It was one summer evening in 2009, I still remembered I was watching TV in mom's bedroom. I think you still remember what happened that night. Mom rushed in and told me to go to the next room. I asked why but mom didn’t answer. I listened what mom said. She turned off the TV and the lights in the bedroom. Then, she walked to the room where I was in. Suddenly, I heard a bang on the gate of our house. Following that, there were screams, and yellings from many people at the same time. They kept banging on the door. Mom embraced me tightly and smoothed my hair. I asked mom who they were and she said they were your students. Of course, in a mind of a child like me at that time, I had no choice but to believe in mom. Our next-door neighbor, Auntie Dzung, came out of her house and telling those people to stop making noise and go home. I am forever grateful for what she did at that time.

Return to my mom, for the first time, I saw her crying. And just like that, it has been haunting me for the rest of my life, Dad.

Like I said, in the mind of a child, that was what I thought. But when I grew up, after I found out the truth about my dad, well, there is a spark of hatred burning inside me. No, I think using the word “hatred” is too light. “Despair” is more correct. Yes, I despair you and what you did to me and my family. You gambled. You were addicted to that. The whole family had to pay off the high debt for you. You know what? If you didn't do it, our family would have been rich like other families.

Now, things are over. I know that you're no longer gambling. I am glad. Our family still welcomes you back and still considers you a family member. But not with me. I know it is cruel when I say this. With me, probably, you have died a long time ago and the image inside me of my dad has turned into ashes.

Right now, no matter how much you try to fill the void inside me, it will never be enough because there is no place for you. Calling you “dad” is a way of salvation for you.

In June 2022, I decided to come back to Vietnam for the first time after 7 years. Actually, I had a plan to come back in 2020. But because of the COVID-19, everything had to postponed until 2022. After the pandemic was gone, I returned Vietnam with something new. I am officially a U.S citizen after 6 years and for the first time, I held the U.S passport in my hands and “arrogantly” walked through the Vietnam security gate as an American. I missed my family so much, especially my grandparents. This time I came back was much different than the last time. I really enjoyed every trip, every food, and every love that everyone around had given me.

But with me, the most precious moment was spending time with my grandparents. I could come back to the days that I used to be with them before I came to the U.S. They loved me with all of their hearts. Grandpa took care of me when I was little. He took me to school every day in his old Honda Dream even on rainy days or weekends and waited for me every time after school. He taught me many good things in life. He bought me everything I wanted, kept every good meal for me and he loves me with all of his heart. And I will never forget what he had done for me. Grandma cooked every delicious food, worried for me about every little detail, and talked to me whenever I had an issue. Coming back to Vietnam, sitting with my grandparents, had lunch and dinner with them, talking to them. Those were enough for me and for my grandparents. Those moments I would never forget in my life.

You see, they have replaced the position of a father in me. So ask yourself this question. "Do I need a dad?"

Then, it came to you, the man that had died in me for such a long time, was also in the house.

Maybe you stopped gambling but there is one thing you never change. It is your mouth. You still talk a lot and overwhelm me. Every time I wanted to talk something, you jumped into my mouth and talked over me. What the hell? I didn't tell you to speak on my behalf. You talked about everything in this world. You showed off everything that you did. I mean like who really cared about what you said or did? I don’t care at all. And I am sure that they never listened to you.

Ok, let’s go to the main point.

Dad, I felt relief because finally, you knew that I hate you. I congratulated you on that. You were supposed to know about that a long time ago. But I guess you thought that I have forgiven you and loved you no matter what. Oh boy, that is very embarrassing. The moment you realized it was the last day I was in Vietnam. You have seen what I did to you during the time I was in Vietnam and I am sure everyone else could see it. I believe that it is a punishment for him or karma for him.

Do you remember the day you went away? On that morning, you took me to grandparent’s house and I never realized that it was the last day I saw you. In the afternoon, when grandpa took me home, you were no longer there . Throughout the time, the whole family tried to convince me that you had gone on a business trip in the U.S and you had to go in a rush so you could not say goodbye to me. I could not believe I fell into that lie. I understood why they had to do that. Everyone wanted to keep the nice image of you inside me and they were successful. I truly believed my dad was a great man. I usually said that to my friends and I was proud of you. But soon, I sensed something not right. If you went on a business trip, why did you never come back all those times? I mean just one a year to visit me. After you went away, I and my mom moved into grandparent’s house.

You kept giving me hope of one day you would come back and take me to the U.S. I was so foolish. Until Mother Dzung told me the whole truth about you, I began to thread all the things that happened for all those years and I understood my dad was not like what I thought.

It was the time a flame of hatred started to spark.

You lied to me, you betrayed my mom, you failed my grandparents, and you became a humiliation of a family. All of those combined had made you a real bad person.

After everything, one thing that everyone told me was to forgive you. They can forgive you but I can’t and I'll never forgive you for what you did. You abandoned your own son to sink into the fun of gambling. That proved you never loved or thought of me even once. Because if you truly did, you would not have done that.

I grew up without you next to me. Yes, during that time, I missed you so much. But when looking back, I never truly needed you in my life. I still lived well because each person in my family had replaced you in me and just like that, I didn’t need a father in my life.

When I came back this time, I had to witness a scene that I never thought would happen right in front of my life and that made me hate you even more. Grandad told you something about cleaning the altar. He said to you really normal. But Gosh, you made a big scene. You yelled at my grandfather in the worst way. Tell you what, grandpa is 82 years old now and he just recovered from COVID-19 so his health is still bad. One thing led to another, I remembered you said to my grandpa that in my his eyes, there are only other two (which are my uncles) and you died a long time ago; and then, you declared that you would leave the house after I came back to the U.S.

Oh my God, I was so angry and I could not believe you can say that to my grandpa. Your father. Why didn’t you look in the mirror and ask who you are? Look dad, grandparents welcomed you back after everything he did and forgave you. What else do you want? Instead of yelling at my grandpa like that, you should be grateful. At that time, I couldn’t hold it anymore. I wanted to fight you but I remembered my mom telling me that no matter what, don’t lose my temper because it would disappoint grandpa. This is something you didn't know. I hugged grandpa tight after the fight because I was so sad. Why does he have a son like you? Why is it so unfair for him after he forgave his own son? I cried like a baby. Grandpa said. “That’s ok. Don’t cry. I am sad. Your father is educated but lives like an uneducated. We are all disappointed in him. But you are different and we love you. Only a few days left before you go, don’t think about it and be happy for me and your grandmother. Be happy, ok? Don’t be sad.” I could not stop crying after what he said. It was like he couldn’t do anything while you were like that. Meanwhile, uncle Viet and uncle Quang make him proud every day. You only know how make grandpa worry and upset. How can I forgive you for making grandparents sad like that?

After the fight, you came to my room and for the first time, you talked to me as a man to a man. You began to say how much you felt guilty about me and my mom. Then, you told me about your life right now and how lonely you are. You cried? I didn’t cry because I couldn’t. My tear is not for you.

But it was not the fun part. Now, this is the climax.

Only a few hours ago, you and I had another conversation. This conversation really broke my dam and it pushed me over the barrier of patience. You blamed me for everything. EVERYTHING.

First, when I had a plan to come back to Vietnam to visit my family, I didn’t tell you. I only told grandparents and uncle Viet. Then, they told you later. You said that I returned only to grandparents and family, not to you. Dad, that was my intention. It was never about you. With or without you, I didn’t really care because I never wanted to see you or be near you. And yet, you blamed me for that. I didn’t need you to go to the airport to pick me up with uncle Viet. I didn’t need you to ask me what I wanted to eat. I didn’t need you to take me from place to place. I didn’t need you to tell me what to do or not to do. Why? Because you had no right to do it.

Second, when you were sick, more especially, you caught COVID-19, I didn’t call or text you to ask how you were. I wanted to do that. Dad, where were you when I was sick in the past without you next to me? Where were you when my grandparents were in the hospital in the past? Where were you when my mom had a disc herniate and the pain suffered her badly? Where were you all along? I was too busy hanging out with my friends and my cousins in Saigon. There was no time for me to ask you and I knew you could recover from it quickly. Simply, I just didn’t care.

Third, you blamed me for pushing him away from me. I laughed at this. Seriously, the person who pushed you away from me is yourself. I hoped you should think about this for a moment about why the distance between me and you is so long. Simple like this. The day you went away I was only 9 years old, I was still a child. I needed the love of a father and on the way, I grew up, at least I could have had the love of both mom and dad. But unfortunately, you directly erased yourself from my life. Don’t blame me for pushing you away! Where were you when I needed you the most? You said you wanted to make things right and tried to be a good dad. Please, I am not a child anymore. I am a grown-up man. I don’t need those things from you. The time I needed a dad next to me is over. Everyone in the family had replaced his place. Then why do I need a dad?

There is another thing that made me even sadder during the time I was in Vietnam last month. It was that you can remember every single memory with people in my family and share with everyone else. But none of those had me. Well, it’s understandable though because I was not there. You brought me to this world but you didn’t raise me a day. I have a cousin who is 8 years older than me and I love him. You often told me about the memory he had with my cousin. You said with a proud voice as if my cousin was his son. Not me. I am not jealous of my cousin. I get it. Since I knew what kind of person you are, there is nothing for me to be sad.

You left to enjoy your gamble. You only came back when you needed money. You made my mom suffer and sad. As a wife, who doesn’t want her husband to love her? My mom couldn’t have that luck. She trusted the wrong man who she thought would be her forever. During their marriage, she could count how many times you made her happy less than 10 times. But she couldn’t count how many times you disappointed her. A sea of disappointment.

Blaming me for how I treated you during the time I was in Vietnam is the worst thing that you had ever done to me. And that declared one thing. I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU.

Dad, let me say this. I can forgive you and that is the thing you have to accept. That is your punishment you have to pay. But here is the thing. Maybe with me, forgiving you is an impossible thing. So, I will let the next generation, which is my childrens in the future, decide whether they want to accept you as their grandpa and forgive you or not. I will tell them everything about you. If they still want to welcome you in their lives, it will be your duty to make sure they made the right decision. And if they don't, well, it will be something I can't say.

Sincerely,

Huy Nguyen

Forgiving is an act to make our souls easier and relieved. People around usually tell me that. But I realize all these years, I never forgive him and my life is still good because I put my dad out of my life a long time ago. Inside me, dad is just a word that I call him every time I see him. The man who I met in Vietnam was a strange man. He was not my dad. I mentioned “my dad” in this essay in a way I want to show my last respect to that man. What I did to him was just simply paying back what he did to me in the past.

What about you? Do you have the same situation as me? What do you do then?